My mind was blown today. I encountered words that I was not prepared for. And in those words the Spirit rushed in and invaded my soul anew.

I find it so intoxicating that after so many years of encountering the depths of the soul, I can be gifted with newness of understanding and refreshing encounters that catch me off guard as to leave me dizzy.

It feels so romantic of God. Like an unexpected first kiss.

OK, back to those words….

I was with a friend today, a beautiful soul wrestling to encounter and comprehend God on her own for the first time.

A glorious wrestling that I am privileged to be on the mat with.

In our wresting together, her anger burned, raged, against the darkness of this world and the ways in which evil has had its way. It raged against the knowledge of good, light, God.

I felt my rage boil up. My grief over the darkness.

In our moments together she raged against the demands that God makes of us, the pain he allows, the ambivalence he calls us to as we encounter the shadows that evil has cast in our world, in our stories. In her rage, she determined that all of this was too much, too heavy a burden to carry and that either God does not exist or He, in fact, is darkness himself.

I sensed her rage joined with grief, longing. And I joined her.

In that moment I battled my inner voice to offer explanation, a defense and rationalization for what it means to allow for dark and light. As if my head could touch the places in her heart that need to be touched. As if Light needed a defense attorney. As if she needed to be fixed at all.

I quieted my inner voice and heard the faint whisper of another voice I knew well. Until that whisper grew into an ache of monumental proportions that threatened to overwhelm me unless released.

In trust, I asked her that if she knew beyond all certainty that God existed, was real. Beyond a shadow of a doubt. If she knew that she was fashioned by Him and that in his fashioning He required of her, to go, to stay, to embrace parts of herself, to walk with desire that cannot be attained. Whatever he asked of her. Would she do it? Could she surrender to Him.

She paused, as she always does, so thoughtfully. With such depth of soul.

And remarked, “It depends”.

She had me captivated with her entrancing words and presence.

“Depends on what,” I whispered back.

“Depends on what kind of God he is,” she whispered.

It was in that moment that I was rocked. I can’t explain it in words, but I was invaded. Like an emotional veil was torn that I had not known existed. I ached.

In that moment I was invaded by the realization that the questions that the world, that she, that I use to distance myself from good, light, the existence of God has less to do with facts, defenses or rationalizations. It has little to do with arguments and cases.

Should I distract myself with the shininess (not sure its a word, but it fits) of evidence, I miss entirely the ache of the human soul, her soul, my soul and what surrender means.

The deepest ache that keeps us from surrendering to God, from faith in the One who marveled at our creation is not “does he exist,” rather, “is he good? Is he Love?”

The ache of the soul that keeps us bound in the shackle of our self made prisons is not “Can I trust that God exists,” rather “Am I entrusting myself to a Good Father.”

You see, in the blinding reflection of our shiny evidence, our response to the pain of this world, we have been blind to the overwhelming safety of God’s goodness, his love born out of abandon for us.

Our hearts can fathom God, despite what the skeptics might say, but a good God amidst the darkness? A God who allows the darkness? Can I trust that to be good? Can I trust Him to be good?

These words haunted me, captivated me, invaded me.

In that moment, and still now, I pray that God would invade her, continue to invade me with the experience of His goodness. That in her wresting, my wrestling, your wrestling, we would discover and rediscover his overwhelming goodness. His grief and rage over that ways darkness has had its way. And in that encounter His love would woo us toward surrendering to freedom. To Love.